Friday, August 04, 2006

In a Tournament, are you allowed to "bow out", yet still stay in the "VIP/Back Stage" area?

Ok so I know that I stated this morning that I choose to bow out, to sit on the bench and follow the team. When I made that decission I didn't realize that, it would also strip me of all my VIP/Back Stage rights. Just because I don't want to make the decissions, doesn't mean I don't want to be informed.

I'm on the bench not off the team.
THE DISCLIAMER

The post below is not ment to offend or upset anyone. It is just me venting. It is also nessary for me to say I am not upset, hurt, angry or offended in any way, again its just me venting.

The bright side is that since I have not bloged in 8 months, I must have felt like there were plenty of people around to talk things over with. :)

That is a good thing.
I have good friends who do love me.
That makes me happy.
THE BLOG

Ok so I have not bloged for 8 months. during the past 8 months I was under the impresion that I did not blog due to a lack of time and energy, this morning I realized that this is not the case at all. I Blog when I have something to say that I feel no one will listen to. I feel the need to put something out there for God knows who to read, because I dont feel like there is anybody in my life that will hear and understand what I have to say, with out being offended for upset in some sort of way. so here it is:

I feel as if I am inadequent today, well really the past couple of weeks. I am working 2 jobs, Full time school (12 hrs per week), 3 roommates, a boyfriend, and above all a messy move. I have pretty much handled it all, now I have unique ways of handleing things, but I've taken care of it. In my life I have this thoery, everything in life is hard, period! but part of life is choosing what are the things worth fighting for? What are the things that I will choose are important to me? So I do this daily. I choose my battles, and I gotta say, I offten find things that just is not worth the effort it would take. So this is how I live, and for the most part it works well for me, I keep my mouth shut when I just don't care enough, and I speak out when it matters to me.
So today I feel like the people in my life that are closest to me are saying "Damn it Lora I should have just done it my self, I could do a much better job." (disclaimer: NO one has actually said that to me nor do I think any one would, it is just how I feel and I am allowed to feel that way) I would concider myself to be a pretty laid back person and I don't normally let things get to me, (in one ear out the other) but today, today it hurt. I have worked really hard keeping things together, it has been head ache after head ache and days on end of people telling me I have nothing to stress about. To them I say " THEN YOU DO IT!!" you find out that you have to deal with all of this, You learn your failling a class that your paying a shit load of money for, yet you really dont have the time to do the studing that you will need to do to get caught back up. I have 4 weeks to bring a 50 average up to a decent grade (atleast a B to stay on honor roll). You deal with a flake that you can't get any real kind of answer from. How about you learn that your baby brother who is tiered beyond belief and really wants to come and be safe was just told that after a year in Iraq will now have to stay another 4-6 months. And you try to reach out to your friends, who are all to busy with other things to see that in your own wiered and round about way are really just trying to ask for help. (I highly doubt anyone will read this since I never post, but if you do happen on this, I'm Sorry). Now I know that it is my fault because I never said the words " I need Help" those words are hard for me to say. But this is far as I can go. I choose to bow out.

All of this to say, I am done, I am at the end, this is were I choose to say I don't care any more. If you don't like the way I handle things then don't expect me to handle it. If your going to go behind me and "clean up my mess" then do it your self to start with. But don't make me feel like I can't handle my own, because I can. I can take of me, I might pick and choose the things I'll deal with, but in the end I'm happy and I always feel justified.